I love the fall. I love walking through the leaves and hearing them crunch under my feet. I love all the bright colors everywhere. It's not sweltering outside, but nice and brisk. On Facebook, I've been doing 30 Days of Gratitude. I focus on one thing each day that I am thankful for. It really puts things in perspective, makes me count my blessings.
This time of year always throws me into ponderings and homesickness. I miss my family. I wish they were closer. I wish I could go to my parents' house this weekend and give everyone a hug, play games, and eat junk food. I wish I could talk to my mom like I did when I was in high school. Long nights and random letters to each other. I'm just not that person anymore.
I tend to shut everyone out and try to take on life alone. It can't be done. I've been burned so many times and so badly, that I have such a hard time letting anyone in. My poor husband. I try to take on the burdens of our life, so he doesn't have to. That's not what marriage is about. We're supposed to be a team. I'm grateful for him. He has helped strengthen me in so many ways. He's has helped me gain my self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-respect back. Anyway....onto our lives....
Life is good. September and October were crazy busy. I don't even remember what happened most of November.
My mama and two beautiful little sisters came for Thanksgiving. I took the day before off, because I knew they were coming and I wanted to get all the cleaning and laundry and what not taken care of. Instead, they arrived around 1AM the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, turned my bedroom light on(since I was obviously asleep by then), and ran in saying hello. I did what any person would do when woken by creatures of the night. I screamed and threw the covers over my head. The neighbors probably thought I was getting murdered by my crazy insomniac husband. I am a little surprised that the cops didn't get called.
I was so excited...and terrified....my heart was pounding so fast for the next couple of hours. Who needs sleep, right? Isn't that the point of holidays? Don't sleep and eat more than is good for you?
So, we had the best Thanksgiving I've had for a few years. The only thing missing was my daddy. But, he did Skype in a couple of times. It was perfect, because I have been very homesick lately.
On to December. December is always a whirlwind. It is our busiest time at work and there is always something going on during the weekends. We spent time with friends. On Christmas Eve, the in-laws flew in and stayed for a week. They are much quieter than my family, which takes some getting used to. I prefer the noise, but I definitely lucked out in the in-law department, so I can't complain.
I have been in the process of looking for a new job, which is never a good time. I promised myself and hubby that I would stay at this office for a year. And what a year! I don't know how I lasted this long. On January 1st, I started sending out resumes. I have gotten one call back and one 'no.' But that is pretty good for the amount of applications and resumes have left my email.
I feel at a loss for what I'm supposed to be doing. I know that Richard is doing what he is supposed to be doing. We have been blessed a thousand times over with our decision to come to Portland. I know that the two jobs I have had since being here, were the right places for me to be at the time. But I don't want to move from job to job every year, and have a million places on my resume. It's not a passport, for Heaven's sake!
Every time I think about going back to school, I have such a strong feeling that that is not where I need to be. I have my patriarchal blessing, but I don't feel like it applies to my life. If I had stayed on the straight and narrow after high school, I'm sure it would be more fitting. And maybe it is my perception. I don't know. I just feel so lost lately. Not knowing which steps to take to where.
I do know that if I stay where I am, we will never get ahead. We will never be able to afford to buy a house, or take family vacations. We're going to Miami in a couple of weeks, but only because I want to try to spend some time with the people I love that are far away, before I don't have the chance anymore.
I'm tired of being the only person that cares at my job. I'm tired of being treated like I'm not good enough because of my lack of education and my unemployed husband. She has no idea my reasons for not going to school and for my husband not working. I am trying to support him to the best of my ability, and I know that he would do the same for me if I asked. I have a healthy, loving marriage. I don't have to control everyone and everything around me to feel good about myself.
Enough complaining. What will be, will be. I will try and do my part, but I think I'll put this one in the Lord's hands....if He'll let me.
Ciao.
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